My friends, it is time we talk about a serious issue. That issue, my fellow Americans, is bacne.
Now, I am not a zitty person. (Senator McCain--he is zitty. His record is clear on this. His complexion was not.*) I am a veteran of puberty, I have served my hormones, but I was fortunate enough, with God's blessing, to escape acne. From a young age, my face was dry. While the other children in our blue-collar small town were learning to apply benzoyl peroxide and endure salicylic acid, I was exfoliating and slathering on cream. To this day, my face remains blemish-free, except for one monthly whitehead on the side of my chin.
Imagine my surprise, then, my friends, my fellow Americans, my favorite Joe Sixpacks, when I began experiencing body acne, or what Washington insiders call "bacne". My dry back riddled with painfully deep, bacteria-filled eruptions. My pores cry out for a liberator.
Senators Obama, McCain, and I are looking for a solution. We are exploring many possible avenues. Our current plan is to work with a store-brand (imitation Neutrogena) body wash and scrub containing salicylic acid. The online experts call for more expensive solutions that will spend taxpayer money hand-over-fist.
My fellow Americans, our committee needs your solutions. If you have bacne, do what you can for your country and tell me what has helped your skin.
My fellow Americans.
*Just kidding. No idea about McCain's dermatologic history. It was for effect. EFFECT, PEOPLE.
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